we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Houston, we have a squirter
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
