His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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