last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
