Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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