I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
