I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Randomize
