I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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