i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
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