the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
