I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
