She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
