you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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