I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
