I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
