Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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