i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
