So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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