I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
i think i have herpe
just one?
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
