Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
