I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
