I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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