dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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