I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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