why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
