we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Randomize
