I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
