What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
