I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
