Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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