He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
