So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize