my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I'm passing your future prison.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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