I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize