Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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