Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
