im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
