life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize