last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Randomize
