I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
