I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
