He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
3pm strippers are depressing
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
