the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
