Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
don't judge my taste in strippers
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
