the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
