i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
