Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
