dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I want to walk on stilts...naked
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Randomize
