Moan for me like Helen Keller
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Randomize
