went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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