Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
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