I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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