Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
