we're chasing vodka with high fives
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Randomize