i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Randomize
